Leaving the grocery store last night, I thought about what an exciting season I’m in right now. Often times, day to day life distracts me from how incredible things really are……
I’m in love - really. I’m not the usual “openly admits to love type” but this time I am. There’s alot to be said about a man with character. A year ago, I thought I was commitment phobic, as did all my girlfriends. But somehow, at the right moment he showed up with his calm and laid back demeanor pushing my fears of love right out of my psyche. Love heals.
I’m in school - I’m mid-way through earning my accounting degree at Liberty University. Not exactly what I thought I would be doing, but certainly a great option. Studying at Liberty keeps Christ the focus of all studies, which helps me alot when I’m feeling overwhelmed. I’m blessed that my company reimburses tuition and lightens the financial burden of college.
My job - I moved earlier this year to a new department. While I was worried at first that I wouldn’t have opportunity to move beyond the position, I know that my future is in Gods hands and my efforts will be noticed. This role has given me the best gift of work-life balance. Lunch dates with my babe and his little one, are among the best perks I could ever ask for.
I found my gym mojo - sounds silly, but its been lost for sometime. I think bouts of depression caused me to shrink back into life not allowing me to live fully. There’s always sunshine after the rain.
And materialistically this…..I have my black Lexus - My dream car (since the 1998 Eclipse is far out of date), has been the RX350. I decided on an IS250 for now, instead of the RX because I want to have a sporty car before the mom-mobile. Somehow I thought it would be a big deal to drive a Lexus (maybe because growing up that seemed so far out of my reach). After 2 months…ummm, nope, its just a car…. with a stereo!
"Strength and dignity are her clothing, And she smiles at the future" Proverbs 31. The best is yet to come! Because I know what my Lord has provided for me in the past, I trust in Him to provide for my future. Above are my current circumstances and the blessings bestowed upon me, they do not define me, yet are beautiful pieces of the puzzle of my life. I knew 30 was going to be amazing, but I had no idea what would come to fruition.
Pumpkin spice lattes, sweaters & boots…autumn is my favorite season! While the weather is still peaking into the triple digits, I’m thinking about decorating and all things pumpkin. Pinterest - here I come.
I was supposed to be studying last night but I ended up closing down Hobby Lobby in search of some supplies. I get really excited this time of year… In all fairness this is a 3 day weekend and I have plenty of time to complete my assignments.
I never intended to merge lives with a police officer, while I respected the position, I had no previous interaction with the police outside official business: tickets, reporting stolen goods, etc. I simply fell in love with a man who happens to carry a gun & a badge.
In the wake of Ferguson and other high profile Dallas officer shootings, I’ve come to realize and maybe selfishly, I’d like him to retire.
“When are we going to indict an officer for these shootings and make an example of them?” (a citizen asked at the town hall meeting) An example, of what? I’m sorry, I watch him strap that vest on and kiss his daughter as he leaves for work, knowing that he may not return. He certainly isn’t going to work to shoot or harm anyone, but if duty calls he will respond. His priority is to serve, protect, & make it home every night. What example are you looking for? Selflessness, Honor, Courage?
The individuals who have been shot weren’t upstanding citizens to begin with. Robbery and grand theft, but they are the victims? What about the officers who have served their community for countless years and are now the center of media attention focused on a split second judgment call they felt they had to make? What about their families who are also going through this struggle? These deaths are indeed a tragedy, but of broken homes and lack of fatherly guidance. Blaming officers for doing his/her job is not the answer. The community should take responsibility individually and collectively for their children who when left unguided is more likely to become an offender. Solve the issue at its core, everything begins at home.
I know his job is dangerous, I know my job to stand by and be supportive. I know he’s been called to serve and protect and in that I will build him up and be there on the tough days. This has been a tough few weeks, and while I don’t worry most days, these past few weeks have put me on heightened awareness. I know this is the time to lean more on my faith and trust that God has saved him before and He will continue to cover him.
There was a moment, a realization the other day that I haven’t been living my best life. I haven’t been being my best self. I need a renewal. I need a start again, fresh perspective. Between work and school, trying to find time for a relationship and the realization I’ve lost connection with many of my friends, I’m at a place that… I don’t particularly like. I was sure that in taking theology classes, I would find myself closer to Jesus…. nope. I thought attending Liberty University would bring me closer…nope. I’m not at a loss because I clearly understand the condition of my relationship with God is a direct reflection of how I’ve been spending my time, or rather not spending my time. I’m reminded that my relationship with God is just that - a relationship. If I’m not investing, the returns will not come. There is no shortcut, just commitment and perseverance.
"But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." (Isaiah 40:31)
Sifting through the garage, making room for a few more things.. I came across a family picture that was pre-me. I don’t consider myself a jealous person, quite the contrary, but I was reminded at that moment that I’m still in progress. The three of them smiling and I for a moment compared myself to her, I began to question why and how and how it felt unfair, but then I heard, no I felt, “Trust Me.”
I think its important to remain transparent, honest. For if we hide our emotions or pretend they don’t exist we are supressing the very life we’ve been given. I made a conscious decision not to dwell on what I had seen.
We can only be who we are and I’ve learned by experience to move towards that which is love. Move towards the laughs, live in the moment and don’t wish that anything be different. I don’t have all the answers, but I find my reward in knowing who I’ve become and trust that God knows better than I. I remember asking for my character to be grown…well He delivers. Here’s to the awareness that we are perpetually in progress….
"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, Let me walk upon the waters, whereever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith would be made stronger in the presence of my Savior."
I love writing. I love reflecting on how God has changed my heart and the journey I’ve made. I’m studying the basics of Apologetics and my professor shared the story in Luke 15:4-7 regarding the shepherd who lost a sheep. In verse 5 and 6, the shepherd finds the sheep and puts him around his neck and carries him back to the flock. What the verse doesn’t explicitly say is why the shepherd carried the lost sheep. It was customary for the shepherd to break the sheep’s leg, so that during the healing process the sheep and shepherd would become intimately close and the sheep wouldn’t wander anymore.
The question was posed “How has God broken your leg.” I immediately paused and began to think about all the times I had wandered and God had to break my leg. You see, my past no longer defines me because who I am in Christ defines me. I see myself healed …. I’m no longer the addict, or the cheater, or the lost soul. All of that was brought before God, laid at His throne…and He embraced me and deemed me worthy. He forgave me. He called me His daughter and placed a crown upon my head.
As I sit here writing I think about my life today, the blessings, the opportunities, and no way did I do all of this. This couldn’t have been orchestrated by my hand…it is all to incredible. I’m so different, my heart is so different. I’m so grateful for the broken legs…and there were many…for it was those broken legs and loneliness afterward that brought me closest to my Father.
Give yourself more credit…..
I’m usually always focused on where I’m going, the goals I’d like to accomplish and the feats to overcome. I probably worry too much about “what if I fail” rather than ” I believe I can.” College…simply a process, input = output… its not hard, its simply endurance, commitment. Why? Because I deserve it for me, because I want my children, nephews, neice to know its possible. Set a goal, work for it and acheive it. Indecision is one of my worst enemies and just pick something is better procrastination.
Believe in your abilities……
I often have to quiet that nagging that says “you’ll never make it” or “not good enough.” Whether its about my fitness, financial victories, relational victories, career moves… its there, and its a lie. I only need to look at what I’ve done to remind myself of the truth.
Live for today…..
The moments today, you will never get back. All we have is the present and that is enough to be thankful. To breathe, to experience sensations….life certainly has not moved along the course I thought it would, but I believe God has made it so much better. In circumstances, in my ability to see the beautiful in the regular. To find joy in the journey and to love what is, not what isn’t.
to take a solo trip and a girls trip this year. To spend more time loving myself and less time wondering when and if he’s going to. To trust God to fulfill my needs and have the confidence in my abilities. I vow to take my disapointments and fantasies to the feet of Jesus where only he can restore my soul. I believe I have been called to be a strong woman of God, and while I don’t want this responsibility, and I wish there were more stronger women of faith around me, I will step out anyway and answer to where I’ve been called.
To get a new hobby, to study very hard in school, and to shine like a daughter of the King. To quiet my desire for having a baby and know that if and when the time is right, it will happen.To give my plans back to God and let him perfect them. To remember it is not my place as a woman to chase or provide for a man, and to know that I am a prize worth fighting for. To quit being silly and thinking I have little to offer, but to stand on the knowledge that I am very valuable and worthy. I have worked very hard to get here and I deserve the abundance before me.
May 9th 2009 - I had been seeking out God since I was a child… and on this day I decided it was time I embark on the journey of making my faith public. I usually went to service with my roommate and her 2 children, but this morning, she didn’t want to go so I went alone. Sitting there during the service I gathered up the courage to stand and get baptized with a few other people. It was something I’d been wanting to do, but I was so afraid to. They would make the announcement and I would want to get up but then fear and dread consumed me, paralyzed me from moving. I think we should always do those things that we are afraid of, take risks, and live fully. Alone and fearful, I took this step…my feet kept moving, I didn’t die from it…in fact I believe I became better because of it.
I opened my journal a few days ago and realized the 9th of May this year will mark the 5th anniversary of that decision. I was mid a self-bashing session when I was reminded this is a journey….its about growth, not perfection. I’ve grown into a much different woman today than I was then. I now carry an awareness that I was oblivious to before.
I don’t believe you have to go to church to know God, but I do believe gathering with other believers allows for your faith to grow. I do believe I’m who I am today because of the women around me that kept me on the straight and narrow. I do believe that prayer and meditation and reading the word brings you into relationship with God. I know these things to be true, especially for me. I didn’t think I would ever be “one of those people” but life is more than just working to live.
I’m most alive when I’m loving and giving, when I’m serving others selflessly. I love the outdoors and exploring. My true loves are adventure and travel. Here’s to the next five years of learning to love myself as I am and offering my heart to the world, no matter what it returns.
Trust what you know more than fearing what you don’t. My own worst critic…..it took 7 years to complete my associates degree. The answer to what do you want to be when you grow up…maybe a nurse, maybe a business professional, maybe a microbiologist, maybe maybe I still don’t even know. But truly we don’t always know before we move forward, do we? Can I handle 6 hours in a mini-mester of 8 weeks? Can I handle the overlap of two weeks when I’ll have 12 hours, which is more like 24 since its a mini-mester? Does anyone have that time? My brain hurts from even thinking this. I take a deep breath and realize it’s not about how fast I get there, but just that I do, for myself.
I have questions, doubts and fears, but the only thing that outweighs them are my hopes, dreams and love. A little wedding, a little house, a little family, and maybe one day another little baby of our own. My “thing” what “does it for me” shifted from material things to desires of a family and those things money can’t buy. Those things to precious to have a dollar value. I went from single to insta-family in an instant. In addition to being a partner, I became a mom too. Thinking about how the woman I am affects her now and will in the future. Am I going to teach her to be led by her fears or her dreams? And will I have the life experience and character to speak truth to her? Will my life be an example of how-to or how-not-to?
Our life decisions affect not only us, but also those that love us. Like ripples in a pond…make a bad decision and it will invariably affect our environment….make a good decision and the legacy grows from there. One moment, one decision at a time, we build our lives or we tear them down. I want to leave a legacy of love, faith, commitment, devotion, selflessness, strength, resiliency, beauty, and depth of character…thus my decisions should reflect just that.
This is your life… live it with intention.